I have made many mistakes in my life. Some people may excuse their behavior and blame it on liquor, stress, loss…. but mine was simple. Boredom.
Boredom breeds curiosity and i was curious. Curious about the feel of his lips… hard or soft to the touch, I had imagined him lifting me against a wall and dropping quick bites on his biceps during a facetime call, he was in his kitchen cooking and for a brief second he stood shirtless in contemplation and i just stared. Other times i look away out of respect but not this night.
Truly the devil has a field day with an idle mind. In all this Sonma had been looming, few flirtatious questions here, a grab there, random facetimes and coming to the rescue. And he, i and his girl-friend all knew he had a big dick.
I am contemplating naming this piece shame but i think greed fits in better. You see Sonma was a damned man from the very start. He had a weakness for beautiful women. And i just happen to fit the criteria.
Rule number 1; Never be friends with people you are attracted too.
I want to tell this tale well, do it justice. Stand on my mistake and own it, stand on my shame and wield it.
Shame is like biting into a rotten fruit, shiny on the outside but decayed on the inside, that is Sonma. I was so focused on how shiny he was i did not see the trap slowly being set before me. The late night calls to confide in me. When i finally got to understand what we had with— lets call his girlfriend Yin was in fact not a situationship but a real relationship. But a very strange one but who was i to entangle in others marital affairs. Now, i got greedy.
Yin was a crazy crazy woman, during a friendly hang out the three of us and two others, she kissed him in front us all, like trying to cast of a warning spell. Her cockiness for a man who flirted with every eligible maiden sickened me. I am new to this game but even a child knows only way to keep one is if one wishes to be kept. He wanted me and he knew it, i knew it and she could feel it. Because as she kissed him, he was looking straight. at. me.
One sorry night, Sonma called me. I was scheduled for a party but got tired and slept instead. “Hello, what are you up to”
“Just woke up, why what’s up” i replied
Basically, he wanted us to hang out given both our plans had canceled. I will not sit here and lie to you, I had an agenda.
Upon arrival, everything seemed cozy, we played a nice game of cards, while he kept the Bacardi flowing, music playing and the vibe was the eccentric kind.
HONESTLY!
I do not even feel like telling this story anymore because it is a battle between heart and mind. Sonma was perfectly okay with kissing me and a finger in participation but sex was were he drew the line because that is in his own words “cheating”
Are men just not despicable. I owned my transgressions at the very least but he was in denial, blurring the lines between what was cheating and not trying to justify his guilty conscience with me. The wolf does not negotiate with the sheep. When i offered to leave, he knelt down basically begging me to stay, he does not want to be alone. If it is one thing i love other than a crying man is a begging man.
Sex with Osanma left me only feeling sorry for his girlfriend. All of a sudden i began to wonder if this is what she really was choosing to lose her mind over. His touches had no warmth and his kisses dulled my senses. He humped like a dog and moaned like an old crane but i endured because this was self-harm and i was aware. I was desperate to feel something anything. At the time i would bang my head on the wall just to feel something. And tonight i wanted warmth but men cannot give warmth without taking something in return. So once more, i closed my eyes and did what i always did in this situations even as a child. I endured.
power, poetry & Passion 
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